Status Quo

I'm often terrified by the thought that nothing in my life will ever really change. I get the sense that there's a status quo for me in regards to my writing "career" and my finances, and that any chance I think I may have to enhance either is a false hope.

Last year I met a literary agent who really built me up, and loved all the ideas I pitched to her; when I sent her my novel, she was very supportive and told me that, even though she didn't represent works in the young adult fantasy genre (as my novel is), she would give the names of several agents who might like it. Long story short, none of them did (one was close to picking it up, but backed out at the last second -- that hurt). I even sent another proposal to the first agent, but she turned it down. So yeah, now I'm right back where I was before I met her, only now I'm dealing with the fallout from thinking I might have finally broken through.

On a similar note, I met this guy at a bar a few months ago who writes a nightly financial newsletter and wanted to turn his old columns into a book. We got to talking, and eventually agreed that he would pay me $10,000 (five up front, five after completion) to edit his columns into a book form. I was ecstatic. One week later, the stock market went to hell, and he's been spending all his time sense trying to get a hold on everything and doesn't have time to work with me on putting the book together. Goodbye, ten thousand.

Shit like this happens all the time; I get excited by the possibility of actually having a tangible way out of the morass I'm currently in, and those possibilities always prove to be nothing more than smoke and mirrors. One of these days I'll learn to just stop expecting anything good, even when people give me "assurances."